Facing Reality

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Today, I stepped on the scale. Unimaginable horror stared back at me. The dial on the old spring scale shot right past the maximum, 21 stone mark and straight to almost 3 stone. I’m trying not to get upset, I’m trying to hold it together… I didn’t mentally prepare myself for this. I was almost certain I would be around 20 stone, I even thought to myself before stepping on the scale, “Maybe I’ll be pleasantly surprised!” Ha.

Unfortunately, this isn’t the first time I’ve been here. I’ve taken 95 steps forward and 136 back, in the last few years. That’s right, in 2014 I weighed 205 lbs, I was 35 lbs from my goal weight. Then my life fell apart, but more about that later.

I now weigh 336 lbs.

Today, I accept that I am killing myself. Today, I face my reality.

I have a mountain to climb. I have to lose 166 lbs. I have to CHANGE MY LIFE.

This weekend, I will plan and on Monday, I will begin. I’m not procrastinating, but I have a GP appointment Monday and I will address this issue and see what help is available, because I need help.

I guess this is controversial, because fat people are just greedy and lazy. Mental illness has nothing to do with it, right? Funnily enough, mental illness is still just as controversial as obesity. All I can say is, I’m happy for people who’ve never struggled with their weight and/or mental illness, but please don’t think you can understand me, until you’ve walked in my shoes. My entire life has lead me here, there is no ‘quick fix’.

So, this is my blog, this is where I will remain accountable. This is where I will talk candidly about mental illness, obesity and the struggle of trying to become a better me, in both mind and body. I invite you to join me in my journey, I need the support and I would love to support anyone else who needs it. I’m also happy to debate with anyone who feels differently to me, we may be able to enlighten each other.

Until next time, take care of yourselves.

CJ x

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