Tomorrow I’ll be attending my GP appointment, where I will lay my deepest shame out in front of another human and beg for help. Naturally, I am terrified. Notably, because I’ve been failed SO many times before, I’m scared he will laugh me out of the office and I’ll be alone, embarrassed and defeated. I will turn to my one true love, the thing that never fails to comfort me in times of need; food.
As I mentioned in my previous post, the whole morbidly obese thing is just a symptom of my damage, I’m not ready to get into the nitty gritty of it all because, well, it’s effing complicated and it’s hard (pretty much impossible, tbh) to make it linear. So I’m going to break it down into sections and eventually I may be able to make sense of it, better yet, I may even be able to fix it.
So, let’s begin with the present. Aside from all the dissatisfaction that my horribly disappointing life provides, I have a close friend who is an emotional vampire (EV). In fact, without being mean, she hinders me and it’s becoming intolerable. Whenever I get (emotionally) back on my feet, find the motivation to improve myself and start the ball rolling, she appears with drama, narcissism and self-pity. She isn’t a bad person, but she’s bad for me. I’m too empathetic for my own good, I’m a sponge.
Yesterday, she called on me for my services. Her relationship over, self-harming resumed, the will to live dwindling. As a person who last attempted suicide just 9 months ago, this is harrowing to hear, and as I watched her young children (from a previous broken relationship) play in the background, all I could feel was hopelessness and despair. Her relationship IS broken, her partner doesn’t provide what she needs (as she informs me regularly, even when they are in a ‘good’ place), but how would she cope alone? She wouldn’t, she’s never been alone.
After a three hour counselling session from myself, we parted at her front door. I offered to come in and watch the kids while she took a nap, but she informed me her partner was still there and she’d get in touch later. I went home and cried. I wondered how long it would be until her next attempt, a successful attempt. I relived the horror and spectacle of the last time, the endless recovery and the impact it had on my life, then I brushed those feelings away, because that’s just selfish, isn’t it?
I’d heard nothing from her a couple of hours later, I knew she wouldn’t nap for too long, I messaged her to ask how she was doing and expressed my concern. I heard nothing back. I sat, staring at my phone, my stomach sinking and rising, my brain pulsating and pinching, my eyes heavy. I messaged her partner to ask if he was still there and while I waited for response, I envisioned the scene…
Rushing into her house, kids on the sofa watching TV, “Mummy is still asleep” they say, “She won’t wake up”… I creep upstairs and find her lifeless body. Fin.
Then my phone lit up with a message from her partner, “I’m still here, we’ve been talking, we’re going to stay together”, shortly followed by a message from the EV herself “Thanks for today, we’re going to work it out, he wants to stay and I want him to.”
And that’s when I realised, I am her sponge. I took all her pain, frustration, fear and lived it. She went home, made up with her partner and didn’t spare a second thought. While they were cuddled up on the sofa, calling each other silly, denying the true issues in their relationship and lying to each other about how happy they are, I was sat alone, full.
This isn’t my first time, I attract these people. It started with my parents and it continues into my adult life. I can’t have healthy relationships because I’m either trapped with an EV, or recovering from one. Worse yet, if I meet a decent person, I BECOME THE EV, they become my sponge… It’s a never ending cycle.