A-MAY-zing- get it??

I still haven’t settled into ‘diet mode‘.

My job is stressing me so much, migraines are making an appearance again… I need afternoon naps just to cope with life right now. I’ve started job hunting again and actually found a role that looks really interesting, but I also want to get back to uni in September and the time is a tick-a-tocking.

My dog is doing well post-surgery, he went to visit the surgeon today for an 8 week followup and the dude stamped on his tail, I’ve never heard him cry out like it before! He then peed everywhere and hid under a chair, my poor boy. The vet proclaimed “His tail wasn’t there a second ago, he moved it under my foot!”… A veterinary surgeon who doesn’t realise that a dog can move his tail independently? Just mildly concerning! Haha. This vet is also THE ONLY that he doesn’t seem to like, even BEFORE the tail stepping incident. Weird guy, but he fixed my furbaby, so I’m ok with it.

Here’s my fitbit report –



New job, ‘Girls’ & dogs (and maybe a bit of weight loss!)

 Sorry I’ve been AWOL.. Here’s an update!

I started temp work, got an assignment in a nice office. After a week, I was offered an interview for a permanent role… I interviewed casually, I wasn’t bothered about getting it or not, there were plusses and minuses to each scenario. I got it.

And then, of course, it turned to shit! I need to be self-employed, people are just SO incompetent. Once again, working for the corporate machine, with the idiotic middle-managers and endless complaints from people (who think they’re your only client) is just not going to cut it for me.


My job is basically picking up the company shit without a poop bag.


‘Girls’… OMG, OMG, OMG. I love this show and I’ve binge watched it so hard, the last episode (with Adam and Hannah and Jessa), uffffffff… Only two eps left?! I don’t want it to be over, but I can’t wait to watch from the beginning!


My furbaby had an op a few weeks back, it was a stressful time but he’s well and truly on the mend and I’m over the moon that he’s doing well. He had his first hydrotherapy session today =)

The only thing that gets me through the days, right now, is the thought of coming home to my boys for cuddles. They are everything to me.


I weighed myself at the weekend and I’ve lost 4lbs… I’ve ordered a new scale, so I’m looking forward to getting that and sorting myself out properly!



I started my new job today… It’s so boring. I tried thinking positively. Here, have a list:

  1. “They play real music!” – No. It’s just a 10-loop of the same crappy songs.
  2.  “Organisation is fun!” – No. Not when the display fixtures are broken and the shelves and rails are overstocked.
  3.  “There will always be something to do!” – No. There just isn’t… The tasks are just too basic to take any real time over.
  4.  “I’ll make some new friends!” – Hmm. I met some (very nice) middle aged ladies who I have zero in common with, and three young folks… WHO ARE ALL LEAVING!
  5.  “It’ll keep me active!” – Yes.

I just need some mental stimulation and I hate evil corporations. ANARCHY!ANARCHY!ANARCHY!

I’m tired.


Hello out there!

I got the job! I mean, if you can call it good news. It’s not as many hours as I would like and following the company induction I was only more convinced of my misanthropy and need to be self-employed (in future). I haven’t been given a start date and without overtime, I won’t be able to save anywhere near the amount I need to complete my degree, but at least I should be able to get a loan with full-time employment. I’m trying not to think ahead too much, I’m still panicking that I haven’t got a start date.. Hopefully I’ll hear something tomorrow.

In other news, I got myself a Fitbit Charge 2. I like it so far, I don’t 100% trust the accuracy of the calorie burn and step count, but I’m not dependant on these numbers, they are merely helpful motivation. Of all the features, I’m most excited about the heart rate tracker; though my immediate desire is to lose weight, I believe fitness is the tool to reach my goals.

I haven’t weighed myself again, yet. I’m going to leave it until Friday morning, a week of Fitbit use. I plan to update the blog with my stats each Friday thereafter. I will also be taking pictures and measurements to track. I’m finally feeling some motivation and I can only hope it’s lasting. The more comprehensive the records of my improvement, the less likely I will be to reverse my progress (like last time).

This is such a boring post, but until I start seeing results, I’m not sure how enthusiastic I can be (about anything)… Life is weird at the moment, but I’m working on it.

CJ x


GP fail. A rage-fuelled post.


My GP was utterly useless, if this comes as any surprise? I explained in detail that my last focused attempt at weight loss was successful, but I had turned to comfort eating when life threw endless curveballs at me, to get me back to this point. 335lbs, give or take. I told him that although I know I can lose weight (as evidenced last time), I can’t motivate myself to to do so during the peaks and troughs of clinical depression.

He told me to start taking antidepressants again, I’m not allowed to take antidepressants long-term because it can reduce the effect of my other medication (which is more immediately important), hence ‘weaning’ off it 4 times in the past year and a half. The torturous inconsistency of being told by the GP, that I had to wean off as a matter of urgency, then told I must start up on it again, back and forth, highs and lows. It’s like putting a plaster on a gunshot wound. I almost screamed with rage.

Anyway, then he printed off a ‘leaflet’, 3 columns: Low-fat foods, medium-fat foods, high-fat foods. “Try and swap foods in this column *points to 3* with foods in this column *points to 1*, you should see some good results.”


Teeth gritted, I thanked him politely and left… Before I had the chance to grab him by his mop of hair and smash his face through the wall.

He didn’t even weigh me. He didn’t offer me any tests. He didn’t offer me any help, other than to advise me to try a low-fat diet, which isn’t even a good idea for someone with my health condition (from my own research about it).

I have a BMI of 47. I read the NICE guidelines on obesity, with a BMI of over 40, I fulfil the criteria for weight loss surgery, bypassing the referral schemes and medications. I AM NOT HEALTHY and my GP won’t help me. I don’t even want surgery, but I also read about a team of people who prepare morbidly obese people for surgery; dieticians and psychologists… THOSE ARE THE PEOPLE I NEED.

But it’s not going to happen, this is the real world and this is my real life. I’m on my own, it’s all on me.

And for everyone who loves the NHS so much, I’m glad you won the postcode lottery. I think my next post will be about the times my immediate family members and I have been failed.


Emotional Vampires

Tomorrow I’ll be attending my GP appointment, where I will lay my deepest shame out in front of another human and beg for help. Naturally, I am terrified. Notably, because I’ve been failed SO many times before, I’m scared he will laugh me out of the office and I’ll be alone, embarrassed and defeated. I will turn to my one true love, the thing that never fails to comfort me in times of need; food.

As I mentioned in my previous post, the whole morbidly obese thing is just a symptom of my damage, I’m not ready to get into the nitty gritty of it all because, well, it’s effing complicated and it’s hard (pretty much impossible, tbh) to make it linear. So I’m going to break it down into sections and eventually I may be able to make sense of it, better yet, I may even be able to fix it.

So, let’s begin with the present. Aside from all the dissatisfaction that my horribly disappointing life provides, I have a close friend who is an emotional vampire (EV). In fact, without being mean, she hinders me and it’s becoming intolerable. Whenever I get (emotionally) back on my feet, find the motivation to improve myself and start the ball rolling, she appears with drama, narcissism and self-pity. She isn’t a bad person, but she’s bad for me. I’m too empathetic for my own good, I’m a sponge.

Yesterday, she called on me for my services. Her relationship over, self-harming resumed, the will to live dwindling. As a person who last attempted suicide just 9 months ago, this is harrowing to hear, and as I watched her young children (from a previous broken relationship) play in the background, all I could feel was hopelessness and despair. Her relationship IS broken, her partner doesn’t provide what she needs (as she informs me regularly, even when they are in a ‘good’ place), but how would she cope alone? She wouldn’t, she’s never been alone.

After a three hour counselling session from myself, we parted at her front door. I offered to come in and watch the kids while she took a nap, but she informed me her partner was still there and she’d get in touch later. I went home and cried. I wondered how long it would be until her next attempt, a successful attempt. I relived the horror and spectacle of the last time, the endless recovery and the impact it had on my life, then I brushed those feelings away, because that’s just selfish, isn’t it?

I’d heard nothing from her a couple of hours later, I knew she wouldn’t nap for too long, I messaged her to ask how she was doing and expressed my concern. I heard nothing back. I sat, staring at my phone, my stomach sinking and rising, my brain pulsating and pinching, my eyes heavy. I messaged her partner to ask if he was still there and while I waited for response, I envisioned the scene…

Rushing into her house, kids on the sofa watching TV, “Mummy is still asleep” they say, “She won’t wake up”… I creep upstairs and find her lifeless body. Fin. 

Then my phone lit up with a message from her partner, “I’m still here, we’ve been talking, we’re going to stay together”, shortly followed by a message from the EV herself “Thanks for today, we’re going to work it out, he wants to stay and I want him to.”

And that’s when I realised, I am her sponge. I took all her pain, frustration, fear and lived it. She went home, made up with her partner and didn’t spare a second thought. While they were cuddled up on the sofa, calling each other silly, denying the true issues in their relationship and lying to each other about how happy they are, I was sat alone, full.

This isn’t my first time, I attract these people. It started with my parents and it continues into my adult life. I can’t have healthy relationships because I’m either trapped with an EV, or recovering from one. Worse yet, if I meet a decent person, I BECOME THE EV, they become my sponge… It’s a never ending cycle.



Facing Reality


Today, I stepped on the scale. Unimaginable horror stared back at me. The dial on the old spring scale shot right past the maximum, 21 stone mark and straight to almost 3 stone. I’m trying not to get upset, I’m trying to hold it together… I didn’t mentally prepare myself for this. I was almost certain I would be around 20 stone, I even thought to myself before stepping on the scale, “Maybe I’ll be pleasantly surprised!” Ha.

Unfortunately, this isn’t the first time I’ve been here. I’ve taken 95 steps forward and 136 back, in the last few years. That’s right, in 2014 I weighed 205 lbs, I was 35 lbs from my goal weight. Then my life fell apart, but more about that later.

I now weigh 336 lbs.

Today, I accept that I am killing myself. Today, I face my reality.

I have a mountain to climb. I have to lose 166 lbs. I have to CHANGE MY LIFE.

This weekend, I will plan and on Monday, I will begin. I’m not procrastinating, but I have a GP appointment Monday and I will address this issue and see what help is available, because I need help.

I guess this is controversial, because fat people are just greedy and lazy. Mental illness has nothing to do with it, right? Funnily enough, mental illness is still just as controversial as obesity. All I can say is, I’m happy for people who’ve never struggled with their weight and/or mental illness, but please don’t think you can understand me, until you’ve walked in my shoes. My entire life has lead me here, there is no ‘quick fix’.

So, this is my blog, this is where I will remain accountable. This is where I will talk candidly about mental illness, obesity and the struggle of trying to become a better me, in both mind and body. I invite you to join me in my journey, I need the support and I would love to support anyone else who needs it. I’m also happy to debate with anyone who feels differently to me, we may be able to enlighten each other.

Until next time, take care of yourselves.

CJ x