Time elapsing.

Sometimes, I feel as though life is just passing me by. It’s the end of July already, what have I accomplished in 2017?

I’m on my THIRD job of the year. On one hand, I feel like an absolute job-getting machine and despite some not-so-happy working experiences, I have managed to pad out my CV with some pretty decent skills. On the other, I have outgrown the type of working environment I’m in, that’s my diagnosis on this job dissatisfaction malarkey.

I’m an intelligent person, I find bureaucracy frustrating to the point of madness. I’m a free thinker, a decision maker… I need opportunities to put my ideas into practise. I value individuality, creativity, open communication, morality, COMMON SENSE. Working for companies that value basic branding (i.e, appealing to a society afraid of change) over progression, is severely limiting to me.

Anywaaaay, this is all good and fine because maybe, just maybe (don’t get too excited), I’m ready to start thinking about a career vs a job. I was happy being just a small cog in a big machine when I was spending every penny I took home on fun, but now my priorities are changing. I have goals (beyond getting drunk at the weekend and buying the entire new MAC collection), I have dreams of a real future.

I guess, as with everything in my life, this takes me back to depression. As someone who has struggled with severe depression since childhood, there have been many points in my life where I wasn’t able to imagine a future, when I couldn’t imagine tomorrow.

I am in a good place right now, in my mind. I am 18 months seizure free, I am sleeping well, eating well, allowing myself to just BE and enjoying it.

My job is physically hard, so I’m looking at it as a bootcamp, instead of a job… A bootcamp I get paid to attend. I will be leaving in September to finish my degree and find my career.

So, in conclusion, besides not having much to show for the year, I’ve gained so much. A sense of worth, confidence, focus… We are back on track my friends.

 

Also, here’s my weekly progress form Fitbit ūüôā

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A-MAY-zing- get it??

I still haven’t settled into ‘diet mode‘.

My job is stressing me so much, migraines are making an appearance again… I need afternoon naps just to cope with life right now. I’ve started job hunting again and actually found a role that looks really interesting, but I also want to get back to uni in September and the time is a tick-a-tocking.

My dog is doing well post-surgery, he went to visit the surgeon today for an 8 week followup and the dude stamped¬†on his tail, I’ve never heard him cry out like it before! He then peed everywhere and hid under a chair, my poor boy. The vet proclaimed “His tail wasn’t there a second ago, he moved it under my foot!”… A veterinary surgeon who doesn’t realise that a dog can move his tail independently? Just mildly concerning! Haha. This vet is also THE ONLY¬†that he doesn’t seem to like, even¬†BEFORE the tail stepping incident. Weird guy, but he fixed my furbaby, so I’m ok with it.

Here’s my fitbit report –

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Massive weight fluctuations

Urghhhh, why are things always so overly complicated!

I got a new digital scale – the Fitbit Aria and after weighing in at 23lbs lighter than the old analogue knocking around in the house, I decided to opt for tracking trends instead of relying on that number… Which turns out, is far easier said than done…

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So, as you can see, fluctuations galore! These were all morning weigh-ins, naked and post-bathroom, the scales didn’t move from the spot (on hard floor). The two guest weigh-ins are from friends of mine and they were bang on.

I guess it isn’t far fetched to imagine that a body as big as mine can fluctuate 25lbs in water, etc., but STILL… Frustrating much?!

Perseverance is my friend!

Anyone else experienced annoyances this dramatic?

Updates

Hello out there!

I got the job! I mean, if you can call it good news. It’s not as many hours as I would like and following¬†the company induction I was only more convinced of my misanthropy and need to be self-employed (in future). I haven’t been given a start date and without overtime, I won’t be able to save anywhere near the amount I need to complete my degree, but at least I should be able to get a loan with full-time employment. I’m trying not to think ahead too much, I’m still panicking that I haven’t got a start date.. Hopefully I’ll hear something tomorrow.

In other news, I got myself a Fitbit Charge 2. I like it so far, I don’t 100% trust the accuracy of the calorie burn and step count, but I’m not dependant on these numbers, they are merely helpful motivation. Of all the features, I’m most excited about the heart rate tracker; though my immediate¬†desire¬†is to lose weight, I believe fitness is the tool to reach my goals.

I haven’t weighed myself again, yet. I’m going to leave it until Friday morning, a week of Fitbit use. I plan to update the blog with my stats each Friday thereafter. I will also be taking pictures and measurements to track. I’m finally feeling some motivation and I can only hope it’s lasting. The more comprehensive the records of my improvement, the less likely I will be to reverse my progress (like last time).

This is such a boring post, but until I start seeing results, I’m not sure how enthusiastic I can be (about anything)… Life is weird at the moment, but I’m working on it.

CJ x

 

Another lesson in never asking for help.

I have a job interview tomorrow, it’s just a sales assistant position, but I haven’t been to an interview in a long time. I’m nervous. I’ve researched the company (A LOT) to try and prepare as much as possible but there are a few questions I’ve come across that I’m not too sure about.. I’ve worked in retail before, but not in a high street store.

I’ve already expressed my fears to my family, not just about the interview, but the prospect of going back to work at all.

This is where we need some background information!

In October 2015 I was diagnosed as epileptic. I’ve been epileptic since I was about seven, I was misdiagnosed. Anyway, it’s a long story… I didn’t know anything about epilepsy (at all) until¬†the occupational health nurse at my old job suggested it (June 2015) following an ‘episode’ at work. I had to leave my role immediately for H&S reasons, I was offered work in a less safety critical position within the company, but it was a lot to come to terms with. I chose to leave while I awaited an appointment with a neurologist (and an official diagnoses), at the time I¬†thought it’d be a great opportunity to concentrate on my final year of university (huge mistake, let’s save that for another time).

Biggest trigger for a seizure? STRESS.

Back to the present.

My sister works as a sales assistant in a rival store. She left school at 16 with no qualifications, no aspirations, no confidence. I got her that job. I wrote her CV, I did the psychometric test online, I filled out the entire online application. I helped her choose an outfit, I talked her through a typical interview, I researched the company for her. I supported her, I believed in her.

Today I asked her for some advice, because¬†there were a few industry-specific questions I’d found, that could potentially be asked in the interview, that I was unsure of. Did I receive any help? Did I *BLEEP*!

She told me she was ‘too tired’ to give me some simple advice. Instead, she needed to go and sit at her computer talking to strangers online on her PC game.

I cried. Not because I even NEED her help, but because she is so self involved. The fact she can’t even spare ten minutes to help me, or offer me some support and encouragement when she *should* know what a big deal this is for me is hurtful.

Did I see myself as a 28 year old university dropout, unemployed, living back with my parents and 130lbs heavier two years ago? No, no I did not. I’m trying to reclaim my life, and the people who I have loved and supported (and am still supporting, because I CARE)¬†can’t be there for me when I need them.

Maybe it’s jealousy. Maybe I wish I could be as¬†cold, so blissfully¬†unfazed by the people around me and their feelings. It¬†goes back to my previous rant on emotional vampires, she takes what she needs, but she gives nothing back. I shouldn’t be surprised, she has a serious track record for letting me down. To add insult to injury, I can still hear¬†her talking to and laughing at her computer (over an hour later).

Anyway, all of this upset and instead of focusing on my interview preparation, I’m focusing on my sister. Isn’t that sweet, sweeeeet irony!

Lesson I must learn; The more you help people, the more they expect… It never encourages them to be more considerate, if anything, it seems to deter it.

Back to thinking about the interview

 

 

GP fail. A rage-fuelled post.

UPDATE

My GP was utterly useless, if this comes as any surprise? I explained in detail that¬†my last focused attempt at weight loss was successful, but I had turned to comfort eating when life threw endless curveballs at me, to get me back to this point. 335lbs, give or take. I told him that¬†although I know I can lose weight (as evidenced last time), I can’t motivate myself to to do so during the peaks and troughs of clinical depression.

He told me to start taking antidepressants¬†again, I’m not allowed to take antidepressants¬†long-term because it can reduce the effect of my other medication (which is more immediately important), hence ‘weaning’ off it 4 times in the past year and a half. The torturous inconsistency of being told by the¬†GP, that I had to wean off as a matter of urgency, then told I must¬†start up on it again, back and forth, highs and lows. It’s like putting a plaster on a gunshot wound. I almost screamed with rage.

Anyway, then he printed off a ‘leaflet’, 3 columns: Low-fat foods, medium-fat foods, high-fat foods. “Try and swap foods in this column *points to 3* with foods in this column *points to 1*, you should see some good results.”

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Teeth gritted, I thanked him politely and left… Before I had the chance to grab him by his mop of hair and smash his face through the wall.

He didn’t even weigh me. He didn’t offer me any tests. He didn’t offer me any help, other than to advise me to try¬†a low-fat diet, which isn’t even a good idea for someone with my health condition (from my own research about it).

I have a BMI of 47. I read the NICE guidelines on obesity, with a BMI of over 40,¬†I fulfil the criteria¬†for weight loss surgery, bypassing the referral schemes and medications. I AM NOT HEALTHY and my GP won’t help me. I don’t even want surgery, but I also read about a team of people who prepare morbidly obese people for surgery; dieticians and psychologists… THOSE ARE THE PEOPLE I NEED.

But it’s not going to happen, this is the real world and this is my real life. I’m on my own, it’s all on me.

And for everyone who loves the NHS so much, I’m glad you won the postcode lottery. I think my next post will be about the times my¬†immediate family members and I have been failed.

 

Facing Reality

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Today, I stepped on the scale. Unimaginable horror stared back at me. The dial on the old¬†spring scale shot right past the maximum, 21 stone mark and straight to almost 3 stone. I’m trying not to get upset, I’m trying to hold it together… I didn’t mentally prepare myself for this. I was almost certain¬†I would be around 20 stone, I even thought to myself before stepping on the scale, “Maybe I’ll be pleasantly surprised!” Ha.

Unfortunately, this isn’t the first time I’ve been here. I’ve taken 95 steps forward and 136 back, in the last few years. That’s right, in 2014 I weighed 205 lbs, I was 35 lbs from my goal weight. Then my life fell apart, but more about that later.

I now weigh 336 lbs.

Today, I accept that I am killing myself. Today, I face my reality.

I have a mountain to climb. I have to lose 166 lbs. I have to CHANGE MY LIFE.

This weekend, I will plan and on Monday, I will begin. I’m not procrastinating, but I have a GP appointment Monday and I will address this issue and see what help is available, because I need help.

I guess this is controversial, because fat people are just greedy and lazy. Mental illness has nothing to do with it, right? Funnily enough, mental illness is still just as controversial as obesity. All I can say is, I’m happy for people who’ve never struggled with their weight and/or mental illness, but please don’t think you can understand me, until you’ve walked in my shoes. My entire life has lead me here, there is no ‘quick fix’.

So, this is my blog, this is where I will remain accountable. This is where I will talk candidly about mental illness, obesity and the struggle of trying to become a better me, in both mind and body. I invite you to join me in my journey, I need the support and I would love to support anyone else who needs it. I’m also happy to debate with anyone who feels differently to me, we may be able to enlighten each other.

Until next time, take care of yourselves.

CJ x