Massive weight fluctuations

Urghhhh, why are things always so overly complicated!

I got a new digital scale – the Fitbit Aria and after weighing in at 23lbs lighter than the old analogue knocking around in the house, I decided to opt for tracking trends instead of relying on that number… Which turns out, is far easier said than done…

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So, as you can see, fluctuations galore! These were all morning weigh-ins, naked and post-bathroom, the scales didn’t move from the spot (on hard floor). The two guest weigh-ins are from friends of mine and they were bang on.

I guess it isn’t far fetched to imagine that a body as big as mine can fluctuate 25lbs in water, etc., but STILL… Frustrating much?!

Perseverance is my friend!

Anyone else experienced annoyances this dramatic?

Werkwerkwerkwerkwerk…

I started my new job today… It’s so boring. I tried thinking positively. Here, have a list:

  1. “They play real music!” – No. It’s just a 10-loop of the same crappy songs.
  2.  “Organisation is fun!” – No. Not when the display fixtures are broken and the shelves and rails are overstocked.
  3.  “There will always be something to do!” – No. There just isn’t… The tasks are just too basic to take any real time over.
  4.  “I’ll make some new friends!” – Hmm. I met some (very nice) middle aged ladies who I have zero in common with, and three young folks… WHO ARE ALL LEAVING!
  5.  “It’ll keep me active!” – Yes.

I just need some mental stimulation and I hate evil corporations. ANARCHY!ANARCHY!ANARCHY!

I’m tired.

Updates

Hello out there!

I got the job! I mean, if you can call it good news. It’s not as many hours as I would like and following the company induction I was only more convinced of my misanthropy and need to be self-employed (in future). I haven’t been given a start date and without overtime, I won’t be able to save anywhere near the amount I need to complete my degree, but at least I should be able to get a loan with full-time employment. I’m trying not to think ahead too much, I’m still panicking that I haven’t got a start date.. Hopefully I’ll hear something tomorrow.

In other news, I got myself a Fitbit Charge 2. I like it so far, I don’t 100% trust the accuracy of the calorie burn and step count, but I’m not dependant on these numbers, they are merely helpful motivation. Of all the features, I’m most excited about the heart rate tracker; though my immediate desire is to lose weight, I believe fitness is the tool to reach my goals.

I haven’t weighed myself again, yet. I’m going to leave it until Friday morning, a week of Fitbit use. I plan to update the blog with my stats each Friday thereafter. I will also be taking pictures and measurements to track. I’m finally feeling some motivation and I can only hope it’s lasting. The more comprehensive the records of my improvement, the less likely I will be to reverse my progress (like last time).

This is such a boring post, but until I start seeing results, I’m not sure how enthusiastic I can be (about anything)… Life is weird at the moment, but I’m working on it.

CJ x

 

GP fail. A rage-fuelled post.

UPDATE

My GP was utterly useless, if this comes as any surprise? I explained in detail that my last focused attempt at weight loss was successful, but I had turned to comfort eating when life threw endless curveballs at me, to get me back to this point. 335lbs, give or take. I told him that although I know I can lose weight (as evidenced last time), I can’t motivate myself to to do so during the peaks and troughs of clinical depression.

He told me to start taking antidepressants again, I’m not allowed to take antidepressants long-term because it can reduce the effect of my other medication (which is more immediately important), hence ‘weaning’ off it 4 times in the past year and a half. The torturous inconsistency of being told by the GP, that I had to wean off as a matter of urgency, then told I must start up on it again, back and forth, highs and lows. It’s like putting a plaster on a gunshot wound. I almost screamed with rage.

Anyway, then he printed off a ‘leaflet’, 3 columns: Low-fat foods, medium-fat foods, high-fat foods. “Try and swap foods in this column *points to 3* with foods in this column *points to 1*, you should see some good results.”

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Teeth gritted, I thanked him politely and left… Before I had the chance to grab him by his mop of hair and smash his face through the wall.

He didn’t even weigh me. He didn’t offer me any tests. He didn’t offer me any help, other than to advise me to try a low-fat diet, which isn’t even a good idea for someone with my health condition (from my own research about it).

I have a BMI of 47. I read the NICE guidelines on obesity, with a BMI of over 40, I fulfil the criteria for weight loss surgery, bypassing the referral schemes and medications. I AM NOT HEALTHY and my GP won’t help me. I don’t even want surgery, but I also read about a team of people who prepare morbidly obese people for surgery; dieticians and psychologists… THOSE ARE THE PEOPLE I NEED.

But it’s not going to happen, this is the real world and this is my real life. I’m on my own, it’s all on me.

And for everyone who loves the NHS so much, I’m glad you won the postcode lottery. I think my next post will be about the times my immediate family members and I have been failed.

 

Facing Reality

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Today, I stepped on the scale. Unimaginable horror stared back at me. The dial on the old spring scale shot right past the maximum, 21 stone mark and straight to almost 3 stone. I’m trying not to get upset, I’m trying to hold it together… I didn’t mentally prepare myself for this. I was almost certain I would be around 20 stone, I even thought to myself before stepping on the scale, “Maybe I’ll be pleasantly surprised!” Ha.

Unfortunately, this isn’t the first time I’ve been here. I’ve taken 95 steps forward and 136 back, in the last few years. That’s right, in 2014 I weighed 205 lbs, I was 35 lbs from my goal weight. Then my life fell apart, but more about that later.

I now weigh 336 lbs.

Today, I accept that I am killing myself. Today, I face my reality.

I have a mountain to climb. I have to lose 166 lbs. I have to CHANGE MY LIFE.

This weekend, I will plan and on Monday, I will begin. I’m not procrastinating, but I have a GP appointment Monday and I will address this issue and see what help is available, because I need help.

I guess this is controversial, because fat people are just greedy and lazy. Mental illness has nothing to do with it, right? Funnily enough, mental illness is still just as controversial as obesity. All I can say is, I’m happy for people who’ve never struggled with their weight and/or mental illness, but please don’t think you can understand me, until you’ve walked in my shoes. My entire life has lead me here, there is no ‘quick fix’.

So, this is my blog, this is where I will remain accountable. This is where I will talk candidly about mental illness, obesity and the struggle of trying to become a better me, in both mind and body. I invite you to join me in my journey, I need the support and I would love to support anyone else who needs it. I’m also happy to debate with anyone who feels differently to me, we may be able to enlighten each other.

Until next time, take care of yourselves.

CJ x